Japanese Vampires?

Well I must say that I'm very thankful for the weather being cooler - but I guess I thanked the weather gods a little too early - now we have massive floods goin on - I swear I'm on the third floor I feel like there is gonna be a massive flash flood down my hallway...The rain here is different than in seattle - I know that sounds weird - but it actually stings here - it's big, heavy and cold - so it's not fun...plus the city needs to work on their drainage issues - just cause you have a drain doesn't mean the water is gonna go in it - the road needs to be level first!

2 things I've noticed more than before are bad breath and cauliflower ears...

I'm not really sure how cauliflower ears comes about - I just knew it was from wrestlers in High school who spent too much time face down on the mat - but here's its very common - and very distracting. People sit next to me on the trains and I can't help but stare since it looks like their ear lost a battle with the garbage disposal...I'm curious if it hurts? Can they hear well? Is it due to inbreeding?

Also, bad breath is very prevalent in Tokyo and I have a theory - rice. I have noticed that my body has changed since eating so much rice - my natural smell has altered itself. I think that people who eat rice 3 times a day start to process it differently and their body just uses the carbs and dumps the rest. The breath smells a little like a stale rice cake...it's really awful when are you either stuffed next to them on a busy train ride home or at a store where they feel the need to be right up close and personal when asking you for help.

Speaking of sales people - I have found a new level of annoyance with them - it seems as though most of them not only yell once you are in their shop - but now they start yelling when there are sales. They have special power hour sales - but instead of just posting a sign - they make sure everyone in the western hemisphere can hear it! Even though my maxed volume Ipod - I can still hear the shrill, soul shaking announcement about 2 for 1 on scrunchies...

So, when you miss the last train in Japan - you have 2 options - take a taxi and be broke for a month or just wait it out at the station you are stuck at. Well I did that yesterday on my way home from a lovely day of looking at beautiful shrines in Asakusa. I was stuck at the end of the line in a city that is a hub for the area I'm in - so I was thinking that there would be things like Karaoke places open - nope, wrong....Instead, I was haggled by 4 hookers when I went to the 7-11 for water and then ran past them into the Denny's and hid there for 3 hours until my the first train started. Again, Tokyo is the safest place in the world, and my only fear was what airborne diseases I would get from these poor Philippino hookers that kept asking me about having a 'good time'...

oh, btw - pigeons - grossest birds in the world - I think those flying rats could easily be exterminated and no one would miss them...

It's always funny when we go out to an Izakaiya, they have things on the menu that are supposed to reflect a semblance of American or Italian cuisine. Instead, what they do is they just make it as close as they can with the ingredients they have on hand...

Here's a few examples...

Margarita Pizza - classically tomato, mozzarella and basil...Well last time it was ketchup, string cheese and dried oregano...

Club Sandwich - usually turkey, bacon, lettuce, cheese and other good things - the one we had last time was a fried egg, ketchup, mustard, deli meat and greens...

If it's called cheesecake - it doesn't count if you stick a piece of cheese on top of sweet cake and toast it...

So I have found out a reason why so many places in Japan ask for your blood type. At first, I thought that it was because they were worried that if I were to get hurt, they would be able to know what kind of blood to supply me with - nope, not the case. Apparently, the reason that asking someone their blood type is not a personal question is because it tells a lot about the persons character - much like we say Zodiac signs do. People in Japan actually discriminate against other types of blood - like A and B don't get along and O is the best for the workplace. So, I wonder how many people have lied or lost jobs because of this strange plasmic segregation? It's not uncommon for someone to ask on a first date what your blood type is because families will reject the suitor or future inlaw because of their blood type, they only want the best lines for their family and will be vocal about it. Wow, and we thought we had it rough in America with interracial dating..:P

Well on Saturday, I had quite the adventure - and not a preplanned fun one...

During class on Friday, I had quite a strange episode that can really only be described as a small stroke. Now, normally if something strange happens, I just shake it off, but this time - it was abnormal...I wasn't able to see, which was followed by the loss of the ability to read or understand words. Oh yeah, and on top of that my breathing made me sound like a 20 year emphysema patient...

So, after deciding to followup with a doctor - I made the trek to the local hospital. Now, in America, we have private insurance, which has it's goods and bads, but in Japan - they are on National insurance, so there's really no difference in patient treatment - you could have hay fever or you could be holding your severed left arm and you'd still be in line behind the sneezing guy...

The hospitals weren't as newly updated as I would have thought and they were chocked full of geriatrics and snot rags...After you check in - it becomes musical chairs for the gifted - they have 5 different waiting areas for different procedures. I met the doctor after waiting for an hour, only to have him tell me to not worry about the head thing and to move to the next waiting line for the x-rays and blood work. The area that this was to happen in felt like it was a TV stage area from M*A*S*H - there were no partitions and everyone was lined up with their arms out looking like they were waiting of the heroin fairy to make a visit. And, of course, she asked my blood type, which is just shrugged my shoulders and asked if she would be able to test and tell me so that I could stop making up a different blood type each time.

The x-ray place reminded me of a fallout shelter. There were these huge metal sheets on the ceiling, a CT scanner that looked more like a coffin and the x-ray machine made me think of a dart board.

After all 20 people helped me through the process, we then sat and waited around for another hour to pay! Now, in the US, you wait for insurance to take care of it and pay your deductible and so on....well in Japan, you pay when you are at the doctors - so the woman behind the counter is adding up numbers longer than most grocery lists to see what the damage is...Surprisingly, it only cost 35 bucks to get everything and all the tests - so it looks as though National Insurance isn't half bad - now if we can just work on the expediency of it all so next time I go I don't have to worry about dying before I'm diagnosed....

it's Xmas in July!

Well not really, but Japanese have the hardest time with getting the holidays on the right days, or even months for that matter! I know that you are a whole day in the future to the rest of the western world, but seriously - let's check out the calendar since you are planning on ripping off the American holidays, do it with some dignity!

Let's look at example A - Halloween is a holiday at the end of October - not for the middle of September - yesterday, I found out that all the Halloween decorations for the office must be up by today, the 22nd of September...Also, haunted houses don't seem that scary when it's still light out at 7pm, aka - don't start them until October! September is the time for students to bitch and moan about classes and having to go back to school from their summer vacations - I can't make a bulletin board with pencils, rulers and witches hats - it's screws up the whole fung shui of it!

Example B - Valentines is the 14th of February - not the 14th of March - it's a overly romanticized holiday where everyone is supposed to be googlie-eyed for a special someone and you shower them with chocolates and flowers...well, in Japan, the ladies get the men a gift on the 14th and then a month later the men reciprocate...why would you want to prolong the world's cheesiest holiday!?

Example C - Christmas is on the 25th - there is no way around that - it's a holiday that has been brilliantly designed by the business masters of the 20th century who figured out that the only good time to shop is when it's cold out since malls are warm. Not only do they not have stockings in Japan - they feel the need to go to KFC and buy chicken, since there is no turkey available, and pretend to live in the holiday spirit that wafts over from America...Let's just say if I get rice in my stocking I won't be a happy camper..oh and don't even get me started on not having cranberry sauce for my substitute Thanksgiving this year...:P

So, another funny food thing is when there are foods that have the same name but are actually something totally different. I learned this over the past week from a student when we decided to discuss tapioca pudding. It went from a simple, light conversation about a yummy american snack into a full on debate over what the hell tapioca is - complete with diagrams and hand gestures....basically, we both agreed to disagree...:)

I would like to point out some basics in foreign gym etiquette...

If I'm on a machine, don't stand next to me waiting for me to finish - because I'm probably not goin to move any faster, I will grunt louder and I will try to sweat on all the parts that you will have to touch next..:)

If I put my Ipod ear phones back in, that's my non verbal communicative way of telling you that I'm done speaking to you in broken Japanese....

Please don't stretch out naked in the locker room after you are done with your work outs - it's already an awkward enough place for me to be stuck in a small room with naked asian men...

Passing gas on a treadmill is inappropriate, period...

If you are in an aerobics class wearing raver pants, a leopard print tube top, pink air force one sneakers and a sweatband that says 'eat me' - I'm gonna stare - get over it!

FYI - my new food love - vanilla bean custard cream puffs - oohh, how skinny of me!

Back at the ranch -

I have a student that is destined to be the next Regina George from Mean girls - she's 3 1/2 and she's already kickin ass and takin names. This little firecracker has spunk - she gives me attitude pretty much every time she's in class ,she hits me with her little stiletto - and her newest thing is to try and steal extra stickers when I specifically tell her only one...Today she thought it was funny to give me a wet willy...except she decided to forego the finger in the mouth and went right for the nasal cavity instead...

We have these get togethers at work when a teacher leaves, but unfortunately its just a time when we all get to talk about all the terrors that we each have - it's kinda like seeing who has the most ridiculous, awful, hopeless and difficult students...makes some feel better - for others, like me, it's just like a free therapy session....oh and the smiles on the faces of the teachers who are leaving is priceless - you can pretty much see a neon sign flashing above with an arrow pointing to the rest of us saying "suckers!!"

The fall is a very special time for me - it makes me really nostalgic for things that I miss back home - like friends in college, walks around 23rd street in portland, Pumpkin spice lattes from Starbucks that I can special order and big maple leaves...

The fall has yet to come to Kasukabe, but when it does, I'm sure I'll be a mess...but the good thing is I will be sweating less, I can break out my pashminas and it's only a few months until I get to be in Hawaii!

I will say on a final funny note that I get my clothes dry cleaned here since I can't use the iron in my house because it makes my circuit breaker trip. Well I was at work all day with a busy schedule and instead of some telling me that there was a dry cleaning tag on my butt all day, I got to walk around with a giant stapled number through 10 lessons, a trip to the grocery store and a march through the local mall..god bless those far-too-polite Japanese....

Jurassic Park

So Japan is much harder on students than I previously thought. Now, we all know that the poor children have to go to school 6 days and then have to deal with awful English teachers like me after their long days in public school...but what I found out today is not only do they have to study all the time - they actually have to take a test to get into high school - High school!? I told one of my students that we just go to the school in the area we live and she almost lost her mind - she's been studying for almost a year just to get into the high school she wants. Cheers to them, but if I was a student in Japan with my track record for studying - this little one would be a grade A burger flipper for sure!

Don't ever try to learn Japanese while listening to people on the phone in Japan - not only do they sound like broken records, they really only use like 4 words....It's hysterical to eavesdrop on a conversation thinking that it'll be a good learning experience, but instead - all you hear is hi, hi, hi, hi, so, so, so, so, so, hi, so, hi, hi...omg, it's awful....I actually asked one of my friends if she even had a conversation or just listened to someone state their grocery store list...

So, news from around the watering hole...

I have a new student who apparently farts whenever he gets nervous or frustrated - so basically I have decided that he will only be repeating the ABC's until he's 50..

There is an older student that has an arm thing goin on where she holds her hand like a swan neck when she talks to me and I can't keep my eyes off of it - it's so distracting.

I have a two year old starting this week and I'm not sure what to do with a child of that age - but I think I've narrowed her first lesson down to two things - how to make the perfect martini or Sarah Jessica Parker's shoes from Sex and the City...it's a toss up...

I have a new nick name for the mangers at work - The Seagulls...You know that absolutely obnoxious sound seagulls make when you stop throwing them french fries at the pier - well that's the sound they make when they are greeting students or sending them off - it's not a wonder the students make a run for the elevator when their are done with class - I'd avoid that verbal tonal abuse at all costs too!

As we all know, the hair in Japan is pretty horrendous - but the newest fashion flub to attack Tokyo are fingernails! They are long, mulit-colored digit messes. Oh, and they aren't short by any means - they are Velocraptor claw length stretching outward just waiting to attack...They have reflective fake gems the size of bike reflectors on them and even have chains with charms hanging from them. I kid you not - there was girl with a Hello Kitty hanging from her middle finger - barf! It's like they tried to dress their nails with their eyes closed - they are just a mess! Watching girls struggle with texting on their phones with their giant surfboard nail extensions is fun - though the best is when their gems get snagged on their hair as they primp - awesome! Remember when press on's were actually cool - I think Tokyo is where press on nails go to die! And of course, it's not the ladies that have the nice, tailored, conservative outfits who rock these god awful finger accessories - it's the ones that wear the skanky-Miami meets Indie-80's-rocker clothes, so the whole ensemble is just a complete visual tragic monstrosity!

Side note - I don't care how long, annoying, in-the-way or tangled your hair is - Men should not have pig tails!

If their outfits weren't bad enough - they have another accessory - and these ones pee, whimper and creep me out - little purse dogs. I know that Tokyo is an over crowded city, so there's no room for normal dogs, like Labs or Golden Retrievers - but for god sakes, get rid of the ugly tea cup, miniature, genetically flawed, oversized rats - and especially don't ruin a perfectly good Gucci bag by shoving one of these hairy rodents into it! They have them everywhere - in the elevators, in lunch places, department stores, in bike baskets and hair salons. Dogs are meant to dig in the dirt, wrestle and bark at cats - not quiver in fear when they see a bird or falling leaves...I do find it funny that when you see a guy walking a small dog in America, he is either a) gay or b) walking it for his prissy girlfriend while she talks on the phone to her obnoxious girlfriends...Here - it's just a Tuesday night...no butch points are subtracted for walking your mini-yorkie - but be warned - if I'm not within kicking distance to boot it in to the upper stratosphere - I will be judging your ass!!!