I'm backkkkk!

Ok, so I know that it's been a while, and really - not too much has happened - but let me tell you about life thus far in the rice patty fields of Kasukabe...:)

Well work is quite something else - I didn't plan on having so many children running around me - since I'm pretty sure I would have had my tubes tied (if I had em) after the first week of kids lessons. I have a number of unruly children - who funny enough, talk to me in Japanese thinking I understand them - so when I don't - instead I get a finger full of snot instead. There's something odd about Japanese children and their nasal passages - it's kinda disgusting. I have one child - we call him the whale for a couple of reasons - one he decides to sit in the back of the room and pretend that he's a whale, swimming on the floor and all - then, when he is finally done - he decides to stick both his fingers in his nose and proceed to talk the rest of the class while nose mining to the maximum! I'm not sure how he can get those pudgy little fingers all the way up there - but he's good...

I also have another child who, on the first day, instead of telling me her name - she sneezed in my face! So, while I was busy purelling my face - I had to entertain the children with a round of the ABC song - which after about 50 times looses its allure.

Work is super busy - some days I feel like a hooker standing by my door yelling "next!!" - which then 40 minutes later, I have another group of way-to-eager students waiting to see if I buckle under the pressure of me trying to explain "my pen vs. your pen" I never realized how complicated English is until I try to explain why rules exists - so instead my go to is - 'don't worry about it, just memorize it!'

My managers love me - I can do no wrong - I could probably pee on a child and they would think it's adorable. I think I'm still in the honeymoon period - so I'm gonna milk it for all its worth!

My apartment is much bigger than my old room - which I inconveniently shared with a strange Japanese student - so I feel much better - but the one thing I can't stand is the heat! I feel so though I've stepped into a Swedish sauna each time I come home..it's awful - I feel like I'm constantly dripping from places that I didn't think I could sweat from! Thank god I can break all the rules at work and not have to worry about wearing a tie - since that would just make me a giant walking toaster.

Oh, side note - if someone from America could please make some kind of advertisement showing asians that deodorant is a good thing - that would be amazeballs since I feel as though I'm walking into the wrong side of laundry day each time I step into a train car...

Bills are a funny thing in Japan. Now at home, you usually pay for things the good old fashioned way - with a letter, check and a stamp - but oh no, not in Japan...They proceed to stick a funny little slip of paper in one of your three mail spots in your house and then you take that bill to the 7 eleven (yes, that's not a typo) and you pay your bills there...The biggest problem is since Japan likes to think that it's super efficient.. so instead of just giving you one bill - you get a weekly update...now for a local, that's probably great - but for a foreigner, it makes me worried that I'm going to get up in the morning and have to take a cold shower cause they have turned off my hot water...

I know that nature and I haven't always been the best of friends - but recently, nature shocked me yet again....I was walking by the river when I heard this god awful low burp ribbit thing, and I literally recoiled and ran - only to find out that it's a bull frog...These things sound like prehistoric rabid donkeys with strep throat - it's the scariest thing at night! Who ever said you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince was seriously not lockin lips with one of these behemoth things! Nature 1 - Dain 0

Well since you all know that I am prone to judge - I have found a few more faults of Japanese women...So, it seems as though there are only 2 kinds of women in Japan - the ones that people call exotic, who belong in magazines or on tv - and all the rest - who look as though they have fallen from the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. To make matters worse - there is some kind of genetic defect with people being pigeon toed...it's not just a little bit, I'm talking about tripping over your left big toe as you walk - it's awful and it looks painful. So instead of hiding these flaws as a normal person would - the lovely young girls wear hooker thigh highs and Mary Janes and strut their lopsided selves down the street. You go gurl!

Oh and let me tell you about the garbage nazis...So, being that Japan is only technically an island - there's not a lot of places to put garbage - so the Japanese have gotten creative by doing things like burning it, sinking it or burying it. Well, each day there is a different pick up for each type of item. Now, in the states, there is a day for recycle and garbage - but Japan takes it one step farther - you must separate out the glass, the plastic bottles, the cans, the cardboard, the combustible, the non combustible and the compost. Now, according to the calendar, downstairs, in Japanese, that I can't read - each day has a different color. Well I haven't gotten that pattern down yet, so I just take everything and put in into the designated area for the waste. Usually in the morning, I come to see that someone has gone through my trash and separated out everything, placing some outside as though I should come back and get it. This is why I have to pull my stealthy ninja type move at night so none of the neighbors know that it's me that's putting the waste out on the wrong day, so I usually pretend like I'm going somewhere one my bike - make one pass by - then like a bat outta hell - I throw everything into the cement landing under the netting and make a run for it! I'm just waiting for the day that there is either a) a little old lady waiting with a tazer gun outside the garbage area or b) all of my lovely discards are piled neatly back onto my front door...

Saw Cirque du Soleil here in Tokyo - what an amazing show - the music was the best yet and the performers were pretty attractive I must say - too bad the first thing I though was - wow, I guess I need to start going to the gym twice a day...:P

And lastly, in America we tend to feel that some things are kept private - like social security numbers, sexual history and the number of times you've inadvertently peed your pants - well in Japan, there are no rules against what kind of things they ask for, which I have come to find that the strangest thing I have been asked for is my blood type - at the bank! I'm not sure how this works - but I'm guessing that in case I either slit my wrists on an ATM withdraw or get shot during a hold up - they would be able to tell the hospital what bag to fix me up with. I guess I'm just hoping that when I sign up for my grocery discount card next week that they don't ask me for a stool sample...:P

Fat man in a little suit...

Wow, there's nothing like seeing a giant 6 foot flubbery asian man squished into an oversized diaper...it's kinda like trying to put toothpaste back into the tube..it's a scary mess...

Although, it is a very time honored past time of Japanese culture, Sumo wrestling is not glamorous - I'm not exactly sure who started the rumor that Sumo wrestlers are "sexy", but they should be tarred and feathered. Watching two walruses fight on the discovery channel is about the closest description of what I witnessed in real life at the big stadium dedicated just to Sumo in Tokyo. Fights last about 5 seconds and there's a mass of cellulite thrown around a ring until someone gets winded or uncoordinated and fall. People have their favorites who get these funny chants from the crowd similar to baseball hassling chants. They also get paid after each fight - so once you get done bashing each other, you get a stack of cash. One thing I don't get is why people pay so much for the floor seats....Here's my thoughts on that - if you have floor seats at the Lakers game - you would want someone like Kobe Bryant to fall in your lap - or maybe at a concert - you'd hope that the lead singer would crowd surf right into you - but there's no way in hell I want a 300 pound, sweaty, stinky, half naked Sumo man falling on me! I'd take that thousand dollar floor seat and cash it in - grab a nose bleed seat - far from the fat rolls, kick back with a beer and learn the funny chants...

So, when it's sunny out usually people wear sunglasses - but apparently in Japan like like to suffer from ocular migraines - since no one wears sunglasses during the day. I don't quite understand this since I know that I don't like to squint for hours on end....Though, it does make me look more like a celebrity when I rock the shades even in the train station...:)

I'm glad that I don't get pee shy, since urinals are placed about 3 inches from the next...I'm so used to the ones in the states that have partitions or separate dividers - unlike Tokyo - you have a place to hang your umbrella and put your bags above the urinal and bump elbows with the guy next to you...but the funniest part isn't that Japanese bathrooms would be a politicians' nightmare for a scandal in the states - but more that the people who clean the bathrooms are little old ladies and they has absolutely problem throwing a smelly stick into your urinal as your peeing. For a conservative country as Japan - I'm shocked that I'm able to pee with grandma...

Let's talk about work real quick...let's see where do I start....:P

So, I've been training to start next week with my new company - let's just say I'd rather chew on glass or sit on hot coals....It has to be the most degrading thing...for the trainers! Not only did we do the same lesson plans - we had to do them twice since I trained with someone - and the poor trainer had to pretend to be a 4 year old child...Im Japan, it's very important to pretend to like whatever you are doing even if you hate it!

At work, you are supposed to show up early, leave late and smile the whole time...I'm not shocked now why salary men in Tokyo drink every night, pass out on the trains home and then get up and do it all again...

Sharehouse rules 101 - let me enlighten you..

1. If you buy a carton of eggs - it doesn't mean that just taking one won't go unnoticed!

2. When you bring someone home with you, please make sure they have decent hygiene - I have to live here and don't want to smell them after they have left

3. Do not put porn on the background of the public computer that we all share - I don't need that awful surprise when I'm checking my email at 3 am!

4. The shower room is meant for what its called- to shower - its not a sauna, its not a nail salon, its not a barber shop - so please don't use it in other ways - oh and don't think that I haven't noticed someone using my expensive shampoo!

5. If there is a new person moving in - don't be an ass and scare them with all the horror stories of who's lived here in the past or other strange thing - let them work it in with baby steps...

6. If you are an early riser - please remember that not all of us share your enthusiasm about sunrises and birds chirping since many of us have just come home from all night of partying and just need to pass out and start our awful hangovers in peace!

7. Don't discuss politics and religion - much like you wouldn't do it with your new in-laws - unless there's a large bottle of Whiskey on the table - then it's fair game....

8. If you're sick - please put yourself in quarantine - I don't want your strange bird flu!

9. The laundry room is not meant for the holy grail of places "not to get caught" while messing around with the new drunk mess you brought from the bar last night - I want to know that my clothes are going to go in dirty and come out clean!

10. Lastly, remember that we are all here to learn about each other and share our experiences about the past - don't play the TMI game with me cause I'm probably going to remember when you tell me about "....the one time that I got crabs..."

Attention: please put your seats up in their full and upright position...

And finish ur damn cocktail!!! I'm pretty sure that Megan and I decided that it was a good idea to drink to take the edge off our fear of flying at 8 am....;) Thank god Japanese people drink at all times of the day!

So, we went to Okinawa and it was not exactly how we planned it. To start off - we were drowned rats for the first 2 days...Now I know that when you are on a tropical island, that it's gonna rain pretty much everyday...well by rain, I mean torrential downpour, like the gods were peeing directly on the island...it's was crazy how much water just appeared - I felt like I was in some crazy fish tank!

We bought our own dinner to be cooked on spot - which we felt horrible about since the body was still moving as the guy made sashimi out of his body - but it was so damn good, we just turned the head the other way..:(

Yogurtland is our new best friend - let me tell you about this glorious establishment! Its a self-serve, 12 flavor, 25 topping slice of heaven frozen yogurt place - and it makes my world go round! Literally we would wake up from naps and blurt out "yogurtland" and neither of us had a problem giving into temptation! :) Most expensive cups of FroYo ever though - since it's on weight and I don't think I could fit anymore into the cups - thank god I have good spacial skills and could stack up those oreos and poundcake like a Jenga tower!!

We did end up hangin out with some military boys that I had met and thank god, cause they showed us around the island via car - since apparently you need one to get around, otherwise you are stuck walking here and there...

It's funny - the package thing we were on gave us tickets to the aquarium....so one would assume that it's an aquarium that you can get to - oh no..what a mistake that was! The aquarium was like 3 hours at the top of the island in the middle of nowhere - so there was no hope for us getting to see those giant whale sharks! So, instead we just went to the base and I saw them there! It was awful on the biggest of the military bases - it felt like I had never left the states - there were Burger Kings, Popeyes and a Walmart - full outfitted with all the lovely large characters that tend to fill the stores back home. Apparently, base wives have nothing else to do besides pop out kids, eat fast food, watch the latest movies and increase their belly circumference. The only plus was Megan and I were able to eat cereal! Let me tell you how exciting it was to stare at an aisle of cereal options - I kinda started twitching with excitement!

All in all, the trip was fun - it was warm, we made new friends, I gained about 3 pounds and I'm pretty sure that next time I visit - I'm taking an extra rollie bag to pack full of cereal, nutella and Gatorade! Okinawa - you aren't done with me yet...:)

Back at the ranch - I started work yesterday - and let me tell you - training feels like Kindergarten without naptime...I was sitting there staring a laminated cards reciting the alphabet - I felt like I am Sam...

So, this morning when I was making my way home from a night out - I was stopped by the Police...it was interesting since they asked to check my bag and then they padded me down. Now, mind you there are many other people around in the area, but I was the only one they targeted. I think I put the pieces together as to why...

So, Japan has a zero tolerance drug policy, and yesterday, I had to write a notice for my work reminding all the employees that we are drug free zone - though the President laughed when he asked if we had ever tried pot before, and I accidentally giggled...he gave me the thumbs up - god bless fun asian bosses...:) So, work got a call from the Police reminding them to let all foreigners about this rule - which makes sense as to why they stopped me - they are trying to make sure that we are not partaking in illicit activities - I just wish that the guys padding me down was a 6 foot swedish man with large hands...I guess I can always dream right? ;)

The jelly filled kind...

After partying with some boys from the Navy, I have learned why Americans have such a stellar reputation around the world...Boys in the military party - hard. There's no doubt about it, but it's funny since it's not like they are going to battle and need a last hurrah - it's more like - it's Wednesday, what the hell are we gonna do? Their dorm rooms resemble college dorms of the grossest kind - the ones that girls normally would run from even if they were 5 wine coolers deep and wearing blue eyeshadow...I guess it's allowed since the average age of the boys here is 19 - so it's kinda like their college time...but in college we had to study - and here, the boys are disgraceful about knowing another culture...they can't make sense of what to do in the city, how to get around or ask simple questions in japanese...its embarrassing...

I have learned that this summer I'm going to be gross - I mean gross - a sweaty ball of uncomfortable misery, and it hasn't even hit the high 80's yet...It gets humid and sticky and people don't really like deodorant here, so basically I'm gonna be stuck in a stinky, wet, awful metal tube every time I take the train this summer....

You would think that in a country known for it's flip flops that they would be on everyone's feet all time in the nice weather - big mistake! I haven't seen a single Japanese person wearing flip flops yet! I live in mine normally, but I feel like everyone is staring at my feet on the train - thank god I don't have fugly feet! I'm gonna need to start a flip flop revolution so I can proudly wear my flip flops where ever, when ever!

Banking here is a bitch - like most things that require paperwork - everything is a process that usually ends up with a confused asian person on one side of the counter and a irritated me on the other. THey tend to give you all the paper work you need, but the issue is that they don't tell you all the things that you need to coincide with that paper work - like random stamps, copies of cards, blood samples, promissory notes of first born children...crap like that...I'm hoping that after I just through all the hoops that I actually have a bank account set up with a card that will work in this country, but right now I'm not counting on it...

Chivalry needs to come back into fashion - I'm demanding it of all young people! I'm calling our first meeting to order right now and you will all need to pay attention to your first task...giving up your seat on the damn train to older people! I hate seeing that in the recent days - young people on their cells or pretending to sleep while and older person with a bag holds on for dear life to the hand guards. I get so annoyed that I actually closed a young guys phone and told him in the best Japanglish I could to give his seat to this adorable old lady who had just come back from grocery shopping. It's karma bitches - do your part!

So, on a funny side note - I was out one night for an all-nighter and I realized that I was starving but for something very specific - a doughnut! I know that Japan has this weird obsession with pastry things, so I figured there was one open early in the morning. As I was stumbling around, I came upon an occupied cop car. Now the cop cars here are funny because the lights are always on and they don't really mean anything...they have this xylophone siren that jingles and they say 'hi' whenever they pass you on the street - all in all - not very menacing. Anyways, so I went up to this car in a bit of a drunken state assuming they would know where the doughnut shop was, based on my knowledge of police back home, and joked with them by asking "So....do Japanese cops love jelly filled doughnuts as much as the popo back home?" They looked confused and I was ready to jog away when they got out of their car...My first college instinct would have been to bolt, but instead they walked me to the nearest doughnut shop and bowed and walked back to their cars - I stood shocked, bowed back and headed towards the diabetic bliss that awaited me...:)

Hold the mayo....please

I have always considered myself a good judge of someone's age - but after coming to Tokyo, I've learned that actually - I suck. I couldn't tell you if a person was 16 or 36 here - Asians age so damn well! I guess that's the one shout out for my dad - thanks for the genes...I'll look like a 12 year old until I'm 50...:) But seriously - Japanese people just don't get wrinkles and they seem to be pretty mobile until way past most of the AARP kids at home...

Beauty is an interesting thing in Japan. There are different levels and specifics of what constitutes "beauty" in Tokyo. There is surprisingly a very specific look for the ideal Japanese girl - she must have those giant doe eyes, long black shiny hair, perfect teeth (which most in Japan don't have - kinda like Brits....), size negative 32 and has beautiful milky smooth skin...Every photo on the train has some version of this - which I don't understand because for the most part, you can find girls like that on the streets of Shibuya - so I guess the models in Japan are more attainable and relatable - unlike ones from NY or Brazil - damn that gorgeous Gisele...Make up is a big thing here too...I try not to stand too close to most younger asian girls because I'm afraid that I'm going to be adhesively stuck to them - all parts of young Japanese girls are glue on - their eye lashes, their nails, their bedazzled phones...Make up is applied liberally whilst on the train and it apparently doesn't matter if they are busy knocking you with their elbows while they put on mascara since fashion comes first here...I swear I saw a girl take out a full length mirror and a flat iron on the subway last night...

I just spent the afternoon at different modeling agencies, which was kind of a fun adventure because it's nothing like being at home or what we see and dream of it being like on TV...

There were no hunks serving chilled kumquat water in crystal goblets (damn) or long legged human hangers bounding around in the newest D&G swimwear...instead it was a cramped office with too many workers, listening to American techno and clacking away at computers. The funny part was when you get sized and photographed - you basically have to sit on the person at the desk next to you - god knows my angles are gonna look awful on my closeup film! ;) Watch out girls - this one's gonna be on a billboard! haha jk

Oh, never ask anyone in Japan about national holidays - they are clueless! They have no idea what the national holidays are, what they are for, who they celebrate, what you celebrate with, or what days they are...it's hilarious! It's almost like it's a surprise each time they get a holiday off, since they don't pay any attention to days of the weeks anyways cause they work like 364 of the year...poor saps....

One thing I have noticed in Tokyo is that married people don't have very extravagant rings....unlike the giant iceskating rinks trophy wives in the states wear. It must be part of that whole Japanese mentality of being apart of the group and not standing out...even the Tiffany's here only had small diamonds in their windows - I wanted to go and ask "where the hell the bling is?!" I guess it's nice since there is no need to announce to the world that your married - but I'll have to move before I get married because I want a rock so big thats gonna drag my left arm down so I'm total Quazimodo style!

oh god, I've learned one thing that I really don't like in Japan - Mayo! I didn't like it before I left and now I fake seizures so that people don't put it on things that I order...it's a strange mix of US mayo and sugar paste...it's so strange...plus, they put it on everything - want a burger? Mayo...Want an omelette? Mayo...want a waffle? mayo! I swear they think anything white makes it all better....lol - but that's a different story for a different time kids! Nightynight!

Are these your knickers?

So, apparently in Japan it's not that important to not have a dryer - which just guffawed me, since this lil one dries everything - jeans, shirts, shoes, tear stained cry rags, cell phones - ya know that type of thing. Well the funny part about this is that Japan has these random freak wind storms that just blow through for like an hour and then disappear - except that it leaves a trail of freshly laundered clothing in its tail of destruction. I just laugh as I walk over those undergarments, spanky pants and awful, teddy bear printed panties..I kid you not...

Signs in Japan and all over asia are hilarious - they not only butcher the American translation, but they make up their own hysterical new meanings! I can see why there is a need for English teachers here - especially when you hear and see people say "shit down" instead of sit down, or when they tell you to "play hard" - which I'm still trying to figure out...Went out to eat at Red Lobster with the Navy boys earlier in the week, and one of the items on the menu had a curious title - "The Big Surprise Steak" didn't know if that means you get a surprise when you cut into it, or maybe you get a free child with purchase, or maybe it's what comes after you finish your meal...either way, I wasn't taking my chances on that one..

Oh and on the topic of food...Tokyo is known for it's amazing cuisine, beautiful presentations and over priced seating...Well the only thing I've found that's not as much on their radar is the idea of refrigeration...not only do things sit out for hours...people still pick them up and eat it! I thought that only happened in movies like Animal House! They fry it, toast it, boil it, grill it - but they don't know what to do with after - it usually sits on a plate in the middle of the room and people just come in, grab a stick of 4 hour old chicken and dig in! I guess maybe that's the secret to staying skinny - just try to acquire as many food borne illnesses as possible, then you'll only be one stomach flu away from your ideal goal weight...;) Food freaks beware - if you're anything like Ms. Newberry from Glee, you will not survive in Japan! Take your stomach on a whirlwind training session - eat everything out and prep that cement lining for you tummy!

OMG, so I want to dive into the myth that Asians are bad drivers - um, it's cause they ARE!!! I can tell you that in the past 4 weeks I've been in 3 cars and I think I've lost a totally of 30 years off my life! Someone once said that the only drivers left in Tokyo are the bad ones because they killed off all the good ones...I feel there's some truth to this. I was recently in a taxi and I think it came equipped with barf bags! This driver was taking on streets that reminded of the hillside driveways in Capri, Italy - basically 2 feet wide and turns every 3 seconds....but he was doing it at like 60mph!!! I feel that it is the duty of the Japanese people to supply all foreigners with Xanax so that every time they get a ride from anyone they won't need to wear adult diapers after each stoplight. Parking is a whole different issue - thank god all the cars in Tokyo have cameras in the back to help with parking, since I know most of those lil japanese ladies cannot see over the steering wheels - let alone making the car move in the opposite direction and putting it into a space that I could barely lay down in... I will just say that I'm totally glad that I'm not required to drive - because there's no way I could figure out the intersections, the lights and the weird off-ramps - I'd just make my car a pretty flower box instead!

Beautiful day here - thank god the weather gods like me...must have finally figured out the offering system at the Shinto Shrines...I definitely left a chocolate cake at one - so it turns out the sun goddess is a ex-fat-kid-camper - I knew we had something common...;)

I invented the bump...

God, if Japanese people only knew that all Americans aren't like the Jersey Shore tv show - they would like us and respect us so much more....:)

On that note, the should also take a quick look in the mirror before they leave the house...Sometimes the things they do to their hair scares me! You know those hair styling books that you look at in the hair salon while you wait your turn - the ones with the over permed, moussed, styled, sprayed, teased and quaffed do's...well take the really bad pages in the back and imagine them walking in full living color! and I mean color...they have steaks of every color and this odd reddish attempt at blonde look...There was a girl I walked behind last week and I was amazed she was able to walk in a straight line - she must have had like 500 bobby pins in her head - and I've been in a number of dance recitals with tight hair buns before, but that was a little excessive! Also, there seem to be no rules for genderfying hairdo's...boys look like girls, girls look like boys and they all look like strange cabbage patch dolls!

People on the train have this amazing ability that I am just in awe about - they are able to be completely unconscious, but then magically wake up for their stop. It's like someone tasered them once they got to their station. It's nuts! Kinda like the world's best power nappers all on one subway line...

There is no nice way to walk through millions of people when you are rushing around during rush hour - much like when I first arrived in Tokyo and was body checked by an 80 year old in Shinjuku station - I have learned that that is just normal now...no one says excuse me, no one worries when you dislocate someone's shoulder or make them spill coffee all over themselves...It's a mess when you are expecting to have a clean, neat execution of people crossing every which way - it's just not a possibility - like making me wear socks and sandals...

Well one day when it was pouring outside and I kept getting gouged in the eye with the umbrella ends - I decided to take advantage of the situation. Since Japanese won't really say anything, I was able to play a game with my umbrella - I call it the umbrella bop - it basically goes like this...take your umbrella, hold it up a little higher than everyone else's - walk right in the middle of the crowd and bop it on top of each of the umbrellas you pass - just like Dori does in Finding Nemo in the jellyfish forest...its great and you really don't get all that many funny looks..

Oh, expect to pay for everything in Tokyo - you want a towel at the gym -$2, you want a toothpick $.30, you want a giraffe $500...things like that....

Vending machines are just an additional thing to add to the cash driven society...There are probably 3 vending machines per corner, all selling the same thing, all maintained by little old ladies and they sell everything from hot tea to protein water and Ipods to children (just kidding).

And lastly, I've learned that just because your American doesn't mean everyone is gonna like you or agree with what your country has done - but as long as you can throw back a beer with stranger in a bar - it doesn't matter what your passport says - your on way to your next unexpected adventure...so drink up!